Saturday, April 7, 2007

How Greg Welch Became Ironman World Champion

It's so I can drink beer without getting fat and watch babes without anybody yelling at me.

A number of years ago, I was drinking a lot of beer and got fat. A friend of mine suggested that I could take off the weight by running. So I started running and you know what? It worked. I then discovered that if I ran fast enough and hard enough, I could knock back a few pints after the run as well as before and still not gain weight. I ended up running a lot, and even entered a few marathons.

I found out that women ran, too, which was pretty great, but the faster they ran, the skinnier they were, so the faster I ran, the skinnier the women I was running with, so I didn't pay much attention.

Before too long I started gaining weight again, but I was getting pretty bored with running so another friend told me about triathlon. When you get bored with running you can bike, and when you get bored with that you can swim. Even better, when you race there's this thing called "transition" in between them and you're allowed to lay aside your own stuff. I packed in a few pints and boy, was that great! Swim a bit, knock back a pint, bike a bit, knock back a few more, then run and spend the rest of the day and evening knocking back even more. And you don't get fat! How great is that?

But I haven't even gotten to the best part: Da babes! Ohmigod are they gorgeous!

I found myself trying to follow them in races, but they were just too fast. So I started training harder so I could keep up with them. The more I trained, the faster I could go. I got really good at it, too, and by the way, I could drink more beer without getting fat. Talk about your basic motivation. Pretty soon it got to the point where I could go fast enough to follow any babe I wanted. And you know what? The best looking ones go the fastest. So I trained even harder, until I got to the point that there wasn't a babe anywhere who could outrun me and I could drink as much beer as I could hold and never get fat.

And that's how I became Ironman champion of the world.

Yours truly,

Greg Welch

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